By Elizabeth Black
Snooki published a novel.
For hermits like me who have been living under rocks and have no idea what a Snooki is, Snooki is a reality TV "star" of a show called "Jersey Shore". I've never seen it. I have no desire to see it. Until recently I'd never even heard of Snooki, whatever it is. Nor did I care.
Until now.
See, Snooki published a novel. And it's getting lots of publicity. Granted, it's not good publicity, but as any ornery child knows, bad attention is better than no attention at all. According to Snooki, she has read only two books – "Twilight" and "Dear John". Her novel, "A Shore Thing", is "a story about a little guidette named Gia who takes her big hair to the Jersey Shore for a summer of drunken love." Sounds like her life story, from what I've learned.
So why am I bothered by this? Because I'm a struggling writer trying to put entertaining books out there. I would love to have the audience celebretrash like Snooki has. She'll probably have great sales if only for the train wreck factor.
As a writer with small presses, my sales aren't ever going to reach J. K. Rowling proportions, but at least Rowling can write. I promote with the best of them but I know I won't reach New York Times bestseller status. I'm realistic. My sales are solid but I would like to see them improve in 2011, especially now that sales of ebook readers have taken off. I have lots of fans and I get fan mail in droves. I'm very happy that people are buying my books and enjoying them.
Yes, I'm jealous. And miffed.
It really chaps my hide that someone like Snooki publishes a novel and is successful at it. It's being published by Simon and Schuster's Gallery Press imprint, so this isn't a fly-by-night publisher or vanity press. Granted, we have to see sales figures but the amount of publicity she's getting is staggering. I counted 39,400 pages for the Google search terms "Snooki novel excerpts". No indie writer can even dream of that kind of publicity. And all for what? Who calls this writing?
"He had an okay body. Not fat at all. And naturally toned abs. She could pour a shot of tequila down his belly and slurp it out of his navel without getting splashed in the face."I found another article that includes part of an entire brain-numbing scene. I can't post the whole thing or your brain will bleed out your eyes.
"Any juicehead will get some nut shrinkage. And bacne. They fly into a 'roid rage, it is a 'road' 'roid rage."
"Yum. Johnny Hulk tasted like fresh gorilla."
"I love food. I love drinking, boys, dancing until my feet swell. I love my family, my friends, my job, my boss. And I love my body, especially the badonk." (Lizzie's note: "badonk" refers to her shapely ass.)
"Gia had never before been in jail. It wasn't nearly as gritty and disgusting as she'd seen on TV prison shows. The Seaside Heights drunk tank -- on a weekday afternoon -- was as clean and quiet as a church."
"Gia danced around a little, shaking her peaches for show. She shook it hard. Too hard. In the middle of a shimmy, her stomach cramped. A fart slipped out. A loud one. And stinky."
A hot guido was staring at her - in a nice way - from across the room.I wonder who will read the audio book? Brad Dourif? Patrick Stewart? I'd love to hear Patrick Stewart say "badonk" and "bacne". Or "Slippery Nipple". I'm getting wet just thinking about it.
Gia smiled at him. His back against the wall, he stood just off the dance floor, thumb in a belt loop. His chest muscles strained the fabric of his black tank top. It fit across a tummy that was hard and flat enough to cut salami on. No tattoos, which meant plenty of empty space on his arms to ink PROPERTY OF GIA. He started as if he could see through her dress, right down to the zebra-print bra and thong set underneath.
“I found him,” Gia said to Bella, draining her Slippery Nipple in one long suck…
I'm not exactly Hemingway. I write naughty books. Erotic romances. Erotica. Trashy novels. Bodice rippers. Smut. But I write good smut. I know lots of erotic romance writers who write smut so well their books singe every time you turn the page. I develop realistic and loveable characters, create engaging plots, and wield the written word like a sword. So do plenty of other writers including those outside the erotic romance genre. Yet we won't get the attention Snooki and her "novel" are getting.
Are we doing something wrong? Have writers trying to do their best to turn a word been snookered?
Maybe I should quit my day job writing for sex toys companies, and become a dominatrix full time. I hear the money's great. Try the super kinky-bordering-on-sick stuff. And then blog about it until I go viral. And instead of writing the novels and short stories I write now, which are character, plot, and relationship-based, aim for stuff so nauseating I get prayer vigils. And include descriptive words like "badonk" and "bacne". And make fart jokes. Gotta have the fart jokes. Then I'll be hated and ridiculed on nearly 40,000 web sites. But I'll have a bestseller and I'll laugh all the way to the bank.
Nah. I'd rather stick with what I write now. My audience is smaller, but my readers are loyal and they don't ridicule me. I'm very happy with what I have and I don't want to turn into Snooki. Please God, don't let me turn into Snooki!!
My new book "Indiscretions Vol. 2: The Mile High Club and Room Service" comes out January 14, 2011. Romance Divine is the featured publisher at Rainbow EBooks
from January 14 - 16, 2011. This book of mine will be featured. "Indiscretions Vol. 2" is much hotter and kinkier than my other books. It's got it all: m/m, m/m/f, bondage, anal, airplane sex, hotel sex. I promise the words "bacne" and "Slippery Nipple" don't appear
anywhere in the pages. LOL! I will continue the series with the same characters as well as others in "Indiscretions Vol. 2 – The Convention" (tentative title). Look for it in a few months.
Here's the link to Rainbow Ebooks:
http://www.rainbowebooks.com/store/
Head on over there during Romance Divine's featured days that weekend and get 20% off my new release Indiscretions Vol. 2 - The Mile High Club and Room Service. And get 20% off my other Romance Divine titles as well.
Here's a blurb for your enjoyment:
Elizabeth Black continues her ribald Indiscretions series with "Indiscretions: Vol. 2". These two short stories follow the amorous adventures of Caryn as she wings her way across country to a writer’s convention. In "The Mile High Club", Caryn has a high altitude fling with the sexy Jeremy. Their encounter isn’t without comic complications, but a very good time is had by all. The action continues in "Room Service", when Caryn and Jeremy meet a mutual friend and the sexual action is three-times hotter!
