Thursday, January 8, 2009

My exotic and erotic life



As you can guess by the title, I’m discussing the wild and exotic life of an erotic romance author. Okay, so are you ready? I hope so, because what I’m about to tell you is top secret stuff. There’s no going back after this. Once you choose to read this post, you’ll be forever changed.

*takes a sip of merlot* Here goes. In a nutshell, erotic romance authors have the beauty of a goddess, the sex drive of a teenage boy, the stamina of a sixteen year old girl with a cell phone and the smile of a Hollywood starlet. When we aren’t writing we’re being pampered by a stable of men whose only concern is our pleasure. I can’t discuss names, of course, but our men have been known to grace magazine covers. I’m taking my life in my own hands by revealing this truth to you all today.

*pours more wine* Where was I? Oh, right, living in erotic bliss. I do wish to point out that we aren’t greedy women. We’re more than willing to spread the love via the wicked pen. Where do you think those delicious heroes come from? Not the imagination, I assure you. They’re real, living, breathing male perfection. Shh, stop that Blake, I’m trying to write. You can massage my feet later, I promise. Blake, he’s such a darling. He really enjoyed his appearance in Burn. I mean, what man wouldn't when the reward is having two hot ladies to play with, right? He thanked me quite....wonderfully. Back to the big secret. A few things you all might not be aware of. We shop at Vicki’s Secret, we take luxurious bubble baths daily, we sip only the finest wines and nibble on the smoothest, richest chocolate money can buy. Life for an erotic romance author is one big blissful party. Trust me, I should know.

*grins as Blake gets out the whip* Lordy that man has a fine body. Truly spectacular. Oops, sorry, I got a little distracted there. As I was saying, life for an erotic romance author is...excuse me for a second, someone’s calling me.

“I don’t know where your blasted shoes are, I wasn’t wearing them!”

Uh, you didn’t hear that, did you? Crap. Well, I guess the cat’s out of the bag now, huh? I suppose I might as well come clean. Erotic romance authors are, brace yourself, just like you. We’re soccer moms and harried wives. We run errands and do laundry. When we’re on a deadline, the dishes pile up, our kids get irritated with us and our husbands do a lot of groaning. How do we write the sexy scenes, you ask? Well, we use our husband’s as research assistants, how else?! Authors who also happen to be parents are the sneakiest people on the face of the planet. No lie. We come up with code words to keep the spark alive. Can I hear an amen?! When he’s feeling frisky it’s ‘let’s go talk’ or ‘wanna take a little nap, babe?’ When I’m feeling frisky it’s ‘my back hurts, can you massage it, honey?’ Eventually the kids will become wise to our devious ways and then all will be lost. My career as an erotic romance author will be over. In the meantime, if I need a hot scene, he’s more than willing to give me a helping hand. What a brave and selfless soul that hubby of mine!
Oh and if you want more of Blake's wickedness, check out Burn--which just happens to be at #7 on the Samhain bestseller list. Woot!

19 comments:

joyroett said...

LOL!

Burn is in my TBR list. :)

Regina Carlysle said...

Damn, where is my other stilletto? Sorry. And, as I write this, my hot pink feather boa is tickling my NOSE...ACHOO. Carlos? Ramon? Could one of you fetch me a Kleenex and a Godiva? One of the creamy centered ones? Ah yes...where was I? The life of an erotic romance writer is soooo damn elegant.

Thanks for my first big laugh of the day, sugar plum!

Anne Rainey said...

hehe, thanks Joy!!

Regina--those boas can be such a pain! LOL

Genella deGrey said...

Hehehe!
You ain't kiddin', sister!
Happy writing!
:)
G.

Kelley Nyrae said...

LOL. That was great. Congrats on Burn!

Anne Rainey said...

Genella--LOL! I just couldn't resits. :)

Kelley--thanks bunches!

D. Musgrave said...

Loved this blog entry!

You know us male authors deal with many of the same things.

Derek

Anne Rainey said...

Derek--Okay, now you have me wanting to see a blog post like this, only from the erotic male author pov, complete with hot women pampering you! :)

Nicole North said...

LOL! Great post, Anne! Thanks for the laugh! Congrats on the release of Burn!

Leigh Court said...

Too funny, Anne! Yes, the most important asset to an erotic romance author is a good imagination (and a willing hubby to practice on doesn't hurt, either)!

I wish you many happy sales for Burn :)

Best,
Leigh

Anne Rainey said...

Thanks, Nicole!!

Leigh--a willing hubby, you said it! Next practice session: handcuffs and a really big feather. LOL

Regina Carlysle said...

My, my, a little kinky today are we??? lol

Amy Ruttan said...

ROFL!!

Still how could you let out secret of the stable of men?? ;)

Connie Northrop said...

Now that was just plain mean. Here I thought if I finish my book I'd live in the lap of luxury or at least a hot guy's lap. Well, pooh! LOL

Anne Rainey said...

Amy--LOL!! D'Oh! I know I was going to get into deep trouble for revealing our secret! :)

Connie--Now, what's this about you writing a book?! That's great, I didn't know that!

Anny Cook said...

Well, I don't know about YOUR secret life, but I sleep on a heart shaped bed and relax in a heart shaped hot tub with a platoon of hunky warriors in kilts... JUST kilts.

Tonya said...

Anne....too funny!!! You have a great writing style!! =)

Anne Rainey said...

Anny--I wanna come live with you! LOL

Tonya--LOL, Thanks! Gotta do something to break up this crappy winter weather, right?

Anne Rainey said...

One more thing before I head back to my WIP...where the hell are my hunks right now when I'm achy with a sinus cold?? They're all fired, I tell you, fired!

lol