Five Stupid Things

1. With the absence of laundry detergent, and needing to wash something pronto, I used dishwashing liquid in my washing machine. I squeezed a few liberal squirts into the detergent drawer, set the machine to wash, and walked away, as you do. Only to return and find my kitchen floor a mass of thick bubbles, which had spewed out of the drawer, the base of the machine, and even from the door rim.

Needless to say, I didn’t learn from my experience and repeated it a few times over the years. Now, though, when I need to wash something in an emergency and I have no actual detergent, I’ve learned that only ONE squirt of dishwashing liquid is sufficient.

2. You’d think, from the above experience, I wouldn’t have squeezed liberal squirts of dishwashing liquid into my dishwasher when I’d run out of tablets either, but I, uh, did. With the same results as the washing machine. I must say, seeing the density of bubbles inside from the base to the top of my dishwasher looked appealing, and made me think of those foam parties people attend. Of course, I can’t fit in my dishwasher, more’s the pity, but if I could…

I spent some time scooping out the bubbles, flinging them out the back door. It took about three cycles to get rid of those bubbles and many towels were used to soak the mess from the floor.

3. I once fancied boiled eggs and set them on the hob to cook. While they bubbled away, I opened a WIP. Mistake. The water boiled dry, and my eggs, once I rescued them and took off the shells, resembled rubber. I threw one at the drainer beside the sink to test whether it would bounce. It didn’t. It made a rather loud thud, though.

4. I bought a pizza. A big pizza. The size of my oven’s width. I’d also bought a large so-called “pizza slice”, which would supposedly lift the pizza out with no problem at all. The pizza cooking instructions said to place the pizza on a baking tray, but I didn’t have one big enough. Oh well. I shoved the pizza directly onto the oven shelf—the kind with metal rungs—and waited for our dinner to cook.

I didn’t know it was one of those pizzas where the base isn’t like bread but literally dough. So, while the heat did its magic, defrosting the pizza, the cheese-and-tomato delight turned into a gloopy mess, which seeped between the shelf rungs and hung there. I smelled burning—the cheese melting and hitting the oven base—and rushed in to save the pizza. It couldn’t be saved. Also, the pizza slice didn’t work. Okay, it wouldn’t with the mess I’d created, but I wanted to use that slice, damn it! So instead I used the slice to abuse the pizza, hacking at it until my anger was assuaged. I remember reporting this on Facebook.

5. Do not ask me why I did the following. I have no clue myself.

After buying a plate, which rather buggingly had a label slapped in the centre, I proceeded to pick the label off—only to find it was one of those labels that don’t “peel easy” like the wording on the label proclaimed. The top layer of the label came off, leaving behind that irritating translucent remnant and the glue. So I scraped it with my fingernail, managing to get the paper part off, but that glue…ugh, it still remained. So I washed it. Thought it would come off with a bit of scrubbing with the scourer. It didn’t. So then I dried it with a tea towel, leaving the glue covered in tea towel fluff.

I thought about white spirit—yes, that would get it off—but as the plate was a decorative one I’d planned to use to hold my candles, I didn’t think white spirit was a wise idea. After all, I wasn’t sure whether, even though it would be dry, the white spirit might catch fire. You just don’t know these things, do you? Or is it just me who has these insane thoughts?

Anyway, beside me on the kitchen side was a can of de-icer. I know, I know…

I sprayed de-icer on the glue, which turned it into this snotty stuff that STILL wouldn’t come off the plate. And then I wondered if that had been a mistake too—would de-icer catch fire when I lit my candles? In the end, I scraped the glue off with a knife, but there was still a sticky feel where the label had been. The candles hide the sticky square, but I’ll admit I haven’t lit those candles through fear of igniting the damn plate—silly thought, I’m sure—and instead bought a different candle that I’ve placed on a little glass base and light every day.

What silly things have you done in and around the home? Please share so I don’t feel so alone in my stupidity!