Wednesday, January 19, 2011
What drives you?
I was reading a blog post from a friend. She was talking about things that make her hit the "pause" button in her writing. When I left my comment for her, it got me thinking about myself. Not about my pause button, but about what drives me to keep going. To keep writing despite all the hurdles I've had in my way.
SO, what drove me to keep writing despite the rejections. Despite the almosts, but just not theres. Despite some friends and family who completely considered my writing a "hobby" and nothing to take serious. Of course the number ONE answer is my LOVE of writing. I write because I'm passionate about it, and I can't imagine doing anything else, but I'm delving a little deeper here. What really drove me to keep going, to keep writing and now that I have an agent what's making me push forward even harder is my HUGE fear of failure. I hate it when I can't do something. Whatever it is will weigh on my mind until I drive myself (and my husband) crazy. For as long as I can remember, my dream has always been to be author. Not just with one book or two, but a career! I wanted to share my love of stories with the world and do it for a long, long time.
Once I realized that, for me, there was no turning back. I was so scared to start something and not finish it. To prove those people right who just considered writing a silly hobby that I would never get anywhere with. It was that fear of failure that after I wrote my first agent targeted book and only got ONE agent request to write my second one. That fear told me to suck it up after I wrote my second book to AGAIN only get ONE agent request. That fear told me, "Okay, Kelley, time to step up your game and write a really special story" when I started my third agent targeted book. And after the excitement of the ten or so agent requests I got for it turned into more rejections (though a couple REALLY close calls) that fear of failure propelled me forward to write yet another one.
This time, I wasn't pulling any punches. Sebastian, my hero, was special and I knew his story was too. But I got rejections... a lot of them. Less requests than I got for number three, but still definitely more than I got for my other books.
Should I give up? Do I SUCK? I was honestly starting to think I did, but I couldn't let myself give up. I was so scared. Part of my dream had come true, I had a few published books, but I wanted it all. So I kept querying. And I got more requests... and then I got FOUR offers of representation.
Despite how over the moon happy I am, I'm even more scared now. What if it was a fluke? What if now that I have an agent I can't write? Fear, fear, fear! I have to prove to myself that it isn't a fluke. That I would deserve the agent requests so I got busy on my next book. My fear won't let me give up and though I don't like being so scared, I'm thankful for it. Thankful that my fear won't let me lie down. Won't let me take anything for granted and will keep making me push on no matter what.
What drives YOU? It doesn't have to be about writing, but can be if you're a writer. What drives you in your job, personal life, anything at all.