Thursday, September 8, 2011
A select-a-choice letter to men about kissing
Yes, I'm dating. So you found me on (Plenty of Fish/Next door/in the supermarket/through a friend/Randomly), and I'm single. Please understand that while I'm pretty open about dating anybody, since we are all more than our appearances, you must be (divorced/single/widowed/unattached/this tall to ride) and should not be (under twenty-five/over fifty/heavy drinker/chain smoker/sporting diseases of unknown origin) to contact me. It's the minimum requirement. Since I have been good enough to honestly portray myself, I expect you to do the same in regard to your body type. Please don't tell me you are (average/athletic/a few extra pounds) when you are actually several widths larger than I am. No, I don't care, I have merely discovered that while you can fib about your size and brush it off, if a woman is ten pounds overweight and doesn't label herself as "obese", you go up in arms. I resent the (hypocrisy/judgmentalism/asshattedness) or your attitude.
Now that I have agreed to go for coffee with you in a public place, let's set some ground rules. I agree not to stick my hand down your pants in greeting if you will do the same. Yes, some of you are welcome to (kiss me/try to kiss me/shake my hand/receive a warm hug/handshake/fuck off), and I will be sure to send all the appropriate (signals/two-by-four) so that you may read me clearly.
Gentleman, allowing you to open the door for me and walk me to my car, does not mean you get to (grab my ass/hold on for dear life/stick your tongue down my throat/grab a boob). If we really seemed to click and I'm (smiling/blushing/laughing at your jokes/agreeing to see you again), a soft goodbye kiss (may/may not) be acceptable. At no time do I require you to do an invasive search for (my tongue/my teeth/my tonsils/my bellybutton).
If we get to the point in our (acquaintance/relationships/friends with benefits/no strings attached/stalkerdom) where I allow a more leisurely and private internal exploration of my mouth, please do not (treat my mouth as another opening/stick your tongue straight out and leave it there/slobber profusely/vacuum/lick). You may think I'm being (unreasonable/exaggerating/a tease/mean/completely honest), but realize that I am not thinking, wow this guy would be great in (bed/with a corner attachment/on other parts of my body/as my baby-daddy).
Thank you for (understanding/shutting up long enough to listen/walking away quickly).
(Sincerely/Make it stop/B'bye)