Thursday, September 8, 2011

A select-a-choice letter to men about kissing

Dear Men,

Yes, I'm dating. So you found me on (Plenty of Fish/Next door/in the supermarket/through a friend/Randomly), and I'm single. Please understand that while I'm pretty open about dating anybody, since we are all more than our appearances, you must be (divorced/single/widowed/unattached/this tall to ride) and should not be (under twenty-five/over fifty/heavy drinker/chain smoker/sporting diseases of unknown origin) to contact me. It's the minimum requirement. Since I have been good enough to honestly portray myself, I expect you to do the same in regard to your body type. Please don't tell me you are (average/athletic/a few extra pounds) when you are actually several widths larger than I am. No, I don't care, I have merely discovered that while you can fib about your size and brush it off, if a woman is ten pounds overweight and doesn't label herself as "obese", you go up in arms. I resent the (hypocrisy/judgmentalism/asshattedness) or your attitude.

Now that I have agreed to go for coffee with you in a public place, let's set some ground rules. I agree not to stick my hand down your pants in greeting if you will do the same. Yes, some of you are welcome to (kiss me/try to kiss me/shake my hand/receive a warm hug/handshake/fuck off), and I will be sure to send all the appropriate (signals/two-by-four) so that you may read me clearly.

Gentleman, allowing you to open the door for me and walk me to my car, does not mean you get to (grab my ass/hold on for dear life/stick your tongue down my throat/grab a boob). If we really seemed to click and I'm (smiling/blushing/laughing at your jokes/agreeing to see you again), a soft goodbye kiss (may/may not) be acceptable. At no time do I require you to do an invasive search for (my tongue/my teeth/my tonsils/my bellybutton).

If we get to the point in our (acquaintance/relationships/friends with benefits/no strings attached/stalkerdom) where I allow a more leisurely and private internal exploration of my mouth, please do not (treat my mouth as another opening/stick your tongue straight out and leave it there/slobber profusely/vacuum/lick). You may think I'm being (unreasonable/exaggerating/a tease/mean/completely honest), but realize that I am not thinking, wow this guy would be great in (bed/with a corner attachment/on other parts of my body/as my baby-daddy).

Thank you for (understanding/shutting up long enough to listen/walking away quickly).

(Sincerely/Make it stop/B'bye)
Mia

35 comments:

Simone Anderson said...

OMG! Too funny. Accurate, but funny. Great way to start the day!

Mia Watts said...

@Simone, these are all true, sadly. The guy who stuck his tongue out all stiff like he was mad, REALLY confused me. I was like, "Hey buddy, there's only so much I can work with here. Loosen up." But It took three dates and then I broke it off. O_o

Horrible. Ugh.

anny cook said...

Heh. WOULD NOT want to be dating after all this time with one man... NOPE. Vibrator for me if the hunk kicks the bucket...

Mia Watts said...

@Anny, You know, if I'd married the best, I'd feel the same way. I'm in my second youth. I get another shot to do it right this time. I hate the dating process and love it all at the same time. LOL.

Amber Skyze said...

A second youth can be a great thing. I love your honesty. While I met a terrific man the second time around I would not want to be in the dating scene again.
Good luck.

Mia Watts said...

@Amber, what's the secret?! Where'd you find him because I'm coming up with duds. One guy I've met will prolly be a friend for life, so he's not a dud, but the others? I'm beginning to worry.

Jen B. said...

Thanks for the laugh. I am so glad I am not in the dating scene. The right guy is out there. You just have to have a few dates with guys who aren't the right guy first.

Mia Watts said...

@Jen B, so there are rules to this thing? Why didn't anyone tell me? So what's the magic number? I'll hurry up and cruise through that as soon as I can.

Bri Clark said...

I'm sending this to my mom.

WS Gager said...

I wouldn't want to be in your shoes Mia but I love that you are doing it with such humor and honesty. It is the only way to go. The pool is over run with frogs and you shouldn't have to kiss them all! Good luck on picking wisely or at least the ones with the hugh warts hidden!
Wendy
W.S. Gager

Harlie Reader said...

Spew alert please! OMG! You are too funny. You seriously need to post this somewhere besides this blog. I love it!

Harlie Reader said...

Seriously, it will get better. I dated alot of frogs before I got married at 37. I was patient and didn't take crap from a man. Still married after 7 years and still don't take crap from a man. He He!!!

Good luck and keep us informed.

Eileen said...

LOL! That was so good. Thanks, I needed that good laugh. I can't imagine dating. I wish you look with the whole process.

Tessie Bradford said...

There's a very luck guy out there trying to find you, too!!
Enjoy your second youth and be ultra-picky!

Mia Watts said...

@Bri, LOL is your mom dating too? Poor thing. We women have a lot to put up with on the market right now.

Mia Watts said...

@Wendy, Humor is the ONLY way to manage the supreme hilarity of dating. ;) Strangely, the guys don't get it. I'm not opposed to kissing the entire pondful, however, they need to be single. I seem to attract married me. Not cool, guys, not cool.

Mia Watts said...

@Harlie, I'm holding that up as pure Universal Truth. It must be possible to find the right guy. It simply must be. I'm not going to attach myself to another guy who wants a free ride. Um. And by ride, I mean a mommy figure who pays his way, not the sexual thing. Which is also true, I suppose. LOL

Mia Watts said...

@Eileen. From your lips... may it be so. I fully expect to continue posting about the exploits of dating. I'm shocked by the things guys think are sexy or think I'll think is sexy.

Mia Watts said...

@Tessie HEY HONEY!!! I love me some Tessie. One of my favorite people on the planet. :) I hope I can be as fortunate as you were. You have a keeper. I want one of those... I don't suppose you have single sons??

Tessie Bradford said...

I'm an uber fun MIL, but alas, my son is married and expecting baby #2!!!!

{{Hugs}}, Mia!!

Mia Watts said...

@Tessie, That's because all the awesome ones are taken.

Leigh said...

Yeah, Mia, I just signed myself off of Match.com. (Cancelled/ Deleted Account/Jettisoned all hope of finding Mr. Normal-without-Baggage-who-does-not-exist) In addition, let's just add that we single gals do not give males our number to send us whack pictures of their penises. (Jackasses/Asshats/Dumbasses)

Mia Watts said...

@Leigh, OMG you too?!? One guy asked me where I was from and I told him. His reply was a picture of his flaccid self and it was (tiny/sad/cold/shriveled/needed a tiny sailor's suit/awwwwwww). So glad I'm not the only one who gets those. WTF?!

Janice said...

Your post is soooo funny. No offense but it makes me glad I'm still married.

Janice~

Mia Watts said...

@Janice, no offense taken! :) If I had a great guy, I'd keep him too.

Mari Stroud said...

Laughing this hard is a great way to start the morning. :)

Mia Watts said...

@Mari, YAY! :) That's a great compliment. Thank you.

Julia Rachel Barrett said...

Ack! How about a sweet peck on the cheek for starters! Mia, you do meet your share of interesting (HA) men!

Mia Watts said...

@Julia, don't I though? I blame Bronwyn Green who has this weirdo magnet. Ever since I met her, I meet guys like these and women who want to mother me. O_o

whodunitrdr said...

You need to post a warning at the top of this post to read (with an empty bladder/after removing gum/after swallowing tea or coffee) in order to avoid potential problem situations for us. Great post. It made my morning better - and my computer screen is now nice and clean.

Deanna

Lowell W. Eaton said...

I totally love your blog! You can write, you're funny, you're obviously really smart, and I think I'm falling in love! I'm a writer with a comic PI novel behind me and I'm helping my friend Liz write a romance novel, which is nearly finished. My book has a blog, mothernovel.blogspot.com, and I also have a humor blog, colspankysmostlyfunnystuff.blogspot.com. I'm also on FB and Twitter.

Pommawolf Emeraldwolfeyes said...

After I got done laughing I fell lucky with mine of 35 yrs. There is no way in hell I could do the dating thing. I think I would stumble around with a confused, dazed expression all the time. That or talking to myself which I hear is not such good thing...lol.
I had thought, and still hope my son has found his HEA, but now I'm wondering about that these days...*S*
Wonderful post, and I sending good thoughts to you who haven't found that special someone....*S*

Mia Watts said...

@Deanna, I love how you totally got into the spirit of the post! LOL. Nice call! And thank you. :)

Mia Watts said...

@Lowell, while I'm a total fan of any man who can pull of a mustache the way you clearly have, I'm afraid I don't do happily married men. ;) Or grandfathers, although there are some truly sexy pops out there. I will, however, agree to swinging with a handsome, humorous older man when I reach my age of maturity. I have no intention of become mature at this time. ;)

Thanks, Lowell, so glad you stopped by.

Mia Watts said...

@Pommawolf, I had another date last night. He's a good one, but definitely not my HEA. He's the guy I'm spending time with until I meet that other one. Fortunately, that's what I am for him too, so we're on the same page. I get to keep my kissing technique from rusting over, and he keeps my stalking neighbor from trying to cop another feel... yes, that's right. My neighbor and I were talking. Out of nowhere, he planted his hand on my chest, then dropped it and kept talking like nothing had happened.

I was like, WTF neighbor-guy? Are you claiming a new form of Turret's? Because I totally don't buy it.