How Not To Write a Sex Scene

So, your romance story is going well. Your love interests have met, sparks have flown, and things are starting to get steamy. It’s clear that sex is in the offing, and now you have a conundrum. What kind of sex scene do you want to write? You could take your time and craft an original scene that advances your storyline while still being steamy and sticky. Or, since your deadline is looming, you could decide to just crank out a boring, derivative, completely unsexy scene just to boost your word count and get your submission in on time. If you picked option 2, this entry is for you!

Tip 1: Remove all emotion and concentrate on rote actions.

Focusing on how your characters are feeling while they’re making love takes up valuable time. Instead, just write out the things that happen, one right after the other. Make sure to use short sentences that are as non-descript as possible. One suggestion: Make an outline that lists the important things you want to happen, and then just copy and paste that into your manuscript.

Tip 2: Skip all references to foreplay and lubrication.

Foreplay wastes time. You just want to get down to the nitty-gritty – get it in, get it off, get it out. Writing all that kissing and gentle caressing to work your characters into an erotic frenzy is just wasted effort. Skip it. Also, don’t spend time writing your characters using any kind of lubrication. A little spit will do if you absolutely insist on having something, but really, if you’re under a time crunch, just don’t bother.

Tip 3: Anatomy is optional.

A careful writer will make sure when writing a sex scene that the bodies involved are actually capable of performing the acts they write. But you don’t have time for that, so think nothing of having a character brace himself with both hands, and somehow still have a hand free to stroke their partner. No one’s going to be reading it that closely anyway, right?

Tip 4: Rely on either clinical terms or flowery euphemisms.

There are plenty of words that you can use to describe the body parts involved in the sex acts you’re writing about. But for the easiest route to get to the other side of your scene, you have two options. Option one is to just ignore all of that and stick to the clinical terms – the ones you learned in sex ed class. What more do your readers need than “his penis entered her vagina”? Option two is the opposite: stick to the least descriptive and most flowery terms possible. Because once his purple-headed warrior invades her nether crevasse, you know you’re almost home.

Tip 5: Use epithets to remind your reader about your characters.

This is especially important in same-sex scenes when you don’t have the luxury of different pronouns to distinguish your characters. Keep letting your readers know things about your characters, like their hair and eye color, or their occupation, so that they don’t get confused about who the scene is about. And if your collection of “John”, “Steve”, “the cop”, “the blond”, and “the redhead” makes it sound like your sex scene has five people in it, that just means you’re doing a good job.

With these tips, you should be able to blow through your sex scenes with ease, so long as you remember not to think too hard or try to make them in any way enjoyable! Good luck!

Disclaimer: This entry is for parody purposes only. Please do NOT do any of these things!

Where you can find S.L. Armstrong:
Website: http://www.slarmstrong.net/
Twitter: @_slarmstrong

Where you can find Storm Moon Press:
Website: http://www.stormmoonpress.com/
Twitter: @stormmoonpress