Monday, January 30, 2012

Are My Eyes Playing Tricks On Me?

Fetish anyone? I don’t have one. At least I don’t think so. There is nothing that I like doing so much that I could say it’s a fetish. Well…maybe eating peanut butter. But that’s not a fetish—unless you were to smear it on someone’s toes and lick it off and do that a lot. AND!!! It would have to be for the purpose of sexual arousal. I guess. Lol

And no, I don’t plan on licking peanut butter off of anyone’s toes. Or anything else off of anyone’s toes for that matter. YUCK!

So how did I arrive at this particular subject? Hmmm…long story.

I was driving down the road and glanced to my left and saw a billboard. Now I’m traveling 50 mph and, of course, read the sign rather quickly. Here’s what I saw: OVER 60? SINGLES VACATION ….

Then it had an 800 number and a website address. Not that I needed that info. It was the OVER 60 part of it that snagged my attention in the first place. No, I’m not OVER 60---yet. But someday I will be and the sign started me thinking. What will I be doing when I am OVER 60? What is an OVER 60 vacation like? Is there something special that must be done for that age group? There was a part of me that was insulted for the OVER 60 group. Shuffleboard only? Soft foods only?

Then I narrowed my focus and thought about SINGLES. Okay. Makes sense. Similar age group vacations. Usually I’m not so dense, but trust me—my degree of denseness worsens.  First…the rest of my wandering thoughts.

For the next few days my mind kept going back to that whole singles vacation idea and, of course, I had to think about men and sex and all that stuff. LOL I pictured myself on a singles cruise—all vacationers within my age group. LOL  Now my imagination is pretty vivid, so I had a huge pool and waiters dressed in next to nothing serving up drinks. Towel boys, etc. You get the picture. Everyone was having a great time. Then it hit me.

I was in a swimsuit.

SHIT!!! OH HELL NO!!! GET ME OUTTA HERE!!!!

But no matter how hard I tried to leave that freaking day dream, it just wouldn’t let go. My only recourse was to wrestle down a towel boy and steal his stash! Now appropriately draped in white terrycloth, I allowed my gaze to wander and check out everyone’s body.

There were people of all sizes and shapes. Mostly people in pretty decent shape, though. I imagine anyone going on a singles cruise and dressed in a swimsuit would not be worrying about covering themselves with towels. Not perfect bodies but there were SOME. Mostly, I was checking out the women--doing a comparison. You know what I mean. And there were some women who just pissed me off! Why were their boobs so damn perky? Why didn’t their thighs jiggle just a little?

I lifted the towel and stole a look at my southwardly sloping breasts. YEAH!!! SAGGING DAMN BOOBS!!! And I’m not even going to talk about my thighs. And thank GOD I had the presence of mind to daydream my way into a one-piece rather than a freaking two-piece. Sighhhhhhhhh

ALL STOP!!!!

I shifted my focus. Okay…this is what you’ve got to work with ol’ gal. WORK IT!!!  WTF? How do I do that? Well, by now you’ve figured out I’m not normal. So working with what I’ve got meant getting on the computer and logging on to Google to search for—you got it—men who like sagging breasts!

I was surprised in two ways. One: There wasn’t a fetish site for men who like sagging breasts. Plenty of porn sites with videos of women with sagging breasts, though. sighhh Two: Most men who commented to women asking if men liked sagging breasts (yeah, I’m not the only one asking it seems), didn’t really seem to care. A few did, but overwhelmingly? Most men were fine with sagging boobs. They mentioned things like self-worth and body image and love. Hmmm…good job guys.

Regardless, I seriously doubt I’m going to run out and flash anyone, though. LOL

Now all of this “singles vacationing” thing has taken up a lot of my time. Really. I thought about it way too much. Was way too critical about myself.  And all because of that damn billboard. Yesterday I was driving down that same road and saw that same billboard. And that’s what prompted me to write this post.

Remember how I said it read: OVER 60? SINGLES VACATION…

Well…it didn’t say that. I misread it. What it said was this:

OVER 60? SHINGLES VACCINATION…

As soon as I got home I took a nap.

14 comments:

anny cook said...

*Snort* I liked the first version better.

On the singles subject. My cousin who is four days younger than me (OVER 60!) and a two-time widow is out actively looking for a fellow. And I don't think she's too worried about sagging boobs or any of that other stuff. From what she tells me, the guys are just so thrilled to "get some" they're not too demanding.

And another thing...HIV/STDs are on the rise among the elder population so maybe they should be more worried about using CONDOMS???

Tess MacKall said...

just so thrilled to "get some" they're not too demanding

LMAO...I love it. It's just me, Anny. It's been so long since I've been out there I don't know how to act. I'm getting stranger and stranger. LOL

And HIV/STDs on the rise in the elder population huh? I hadn't heard that.


I'm a ways away from the question: To glove up or not to glove up! LMAO

Nilu said...

I am WAY impressed by you writers and the AMAZING blog you have...can't wait to read more of what you write!!!!!

Lucky I found your blog!!!!!

Tess MacKall said...

Oh Nilu...what a sweet thing to say. Glad you found us too. Lots of talent here. Our commenters are way talented too! Loads of authors. Loads of great people stop by and give us their perspective on just about everything. Hope to see you again soon!

Harlie Reader said...

Tess...I almost snorted by lunch out my nose. You crack me up and I'm glad that you are back. I've missed your sense of humor and take on life.

I've actually heard of STD's for the older set. Still shaking my head over that.

LJ Garland said...

HAHAHAHA! I can't tell you how many times I've done that! I've heard that Frued says it's something in your subconscious or some crazy notion like that. Course, when I try to apply what I thought I read...well...stuff like: Go get tucked! becomes very different in a glance. (Yeah, that was for a plastic surgeon...) LOL Your eyes aren't the only ones playing tricks! Great blog!
OH! And right now, even! There's this word that I'm supposed to type in for word verification to get this comment posted. It says: heasts. No lie! Guess what I saw at first! LOLOL Okay, Tess, did you plan this just for me, woman??

Debbie Gould said...

Lordy, woman, it's damn scary the way your mind works. Too funny!

Tess MacKall said...

All I can really say about those elderly STDs, Harlie, is that we've got something to look forward too.

About my sense of humor? My life is just like that. And I have to take a step back and go WTF? LOL

Tess MacKall said...

Know what my word verification was just now, LJ? PASTERD. And you know I saw BASTARD. They just load em up that way to eff with us. lol

Glad I'm not the only one with wandering eyes.

Tess MacKall said...

Your mind has been known to take a few odd turns, too, Deb. LOL

What's for dinner????????

Emmy Ellis said...

I know exactly what you mean! I misread everything to be rude, though. The other day I saw a wooden hangy thing in a shop, the kind you'd hang on your kitchen wall. You know, with a rope hanger bit. It read, "I love my cat".

Well, I read it as a four-letter C word, grabbed Hubby and said, "OMG, please tell me they're not allowed to sell that!"

"Why not?"

"Well, it's so...rude!"

I looked again and saw what it actually said, then wondered if there was anyone out there who really does have a sign like the one I thought it was in their kitchen hahaha.

Word veri: Skinsur (read as Skin, sir?)

Mind in the gutter.

:O)

Tess MacKall said...

I'm so glad I'm not alone in all this. I feel much better. lol EM, you're a nut. Through and through, hon. lol

And while what I misread wasn't exactly sexual in nature, I guess it ended up being sexual. So all of our roads end in SEX!!!!

Maybe we're just plain ol' perverts!

Eileen said...

I'm so glad I'm not the only one doing the same thing. LOL
I wish I can tell you it will get better but it doesn't. I've just learned to laugh at myself. It's better than worrying about my eyes and my mind getting old.

Tess MacKall said...

I feel the same way, Eileen. If I can't laugh at myself, I may as well pack it in.