I have been talking about my dating issues for a while, but people rarely believe the bizarro that I get. In the effort to give some iota of proof, I'm going to post ACTUAL texts from my next door neighbor who is pretty much creeping me out.
Keep in mind these are after he'd told me that he really was tired of the dating scene and just wanted a friend who'd jump on his lap during television shows for surprise sex, or give him a blow job randomly. This was also the conversation where he said he'd always wanted to date the girl next door (that would be either me or the 82 yo neighbor on the other side) so that he could stop over and have sex in the middle of the day. Then he informed me that he'd once seen a woman "squirt" during sex, and that he really wanted to see that again because it was such a huge turn on. He blinked at me and I think I said, "uh huh". I do remember walking quickly away.
We'll call him Tom, for the sake of this blog...
Tom: It is funny because we can talk out side because we are right next door.
Me: LOL, I know, but I promised my girls that tonight was theirs.
Tom: Yes, I understand.
Tom: I sent a request
(facebook friend request)
Tom: You like football because if you do I was going to see if you would like to go to a college game the games are on saturday
(all punctuation is his btws)
Me: I usually do, but I have a date Saturday. Thank you for asking though.
Me: Ah, my misread. You weren't asking about THIS Saturday, just asking about Saturday in general. Sorry.
Tom: So I did not now you were dating
Me: Well, yeah. I'm single so dating is definitely on the agenda.
Tom: Yes, I'm looking to
Tom: I'm single to
(notice, I didn't answer? He didn't.)
Tom: How is your book coming
Tom: Would you like to come out and chat
(Hey. I was feeling bad for the guy, and this is where he started talking about sex and squirting and doing the "girl next door".)
Tom: Good morning
(At this point, I have literally just poured myself a cup of coffee and started walking to my laptop to begin work.)
Tom: Oh you drink coffee.
(I stopped cold, remembering that his kitchen window is across from mine. He's watching me now? Maybe I need to give him the benefit of the doubt? Coincidence??)
Me: Yes. Why?
Tom: If you like to drink coffee and talk unless you are busy
Me: I would, but I'm working right now... And in pjs LOL
(after which typing, I could have head-smacked myself. It was an excuse to not be seen, not an invitation, but then, this is neighbor Tom.)
Tom: Ok im in pj to
(Yep, he went there.)
Me: Yeah but your pjs don't require undergarments.
Tom: Sweet i can see those :)
Me: "those"?? Those are things that get tucked away.
Tom: Would you like to come out there is something on the tree I would like to ask you about.
Me: I have to leave the house. Gimme half an hour?
(I get over there thinking my new neighbor has border issues or there's an animal in my tree. No. There isn't. He wants to fucking show me a bird feeder. This is why I stopped working to go over? This?? Fine. So I smile and chat. He talks about Stargate Atlantis which I actually happen to like, then he plants a hand on my chest between my breasts in imitation of the life-force sucking "Wraith" creatures on the show that eat with their palms.
Except, this is real life, he barely knows me, and he's just planted his hands on the inner swell of BOTH MY BOOBS. Hello!?!? I'm stunned, too stunned to react fast enough and by the time I do, his hand is gone. Suffice it to say, I left quickly. I ignored him for two days until I could wrap my head around it and decide to tell him off.)
*two days later*
Tom: Hey would you like to have some chili with me
Me: Sorry, I can't. My daughter is home sick and barfing. The other one isn't doing so well either, oh yeah and I sprained my ankle.
Tom: Ah i can rub it for you
Me: Ah, no.
Tom: Would you like me to bring a movie over
Me: No thanks. Not only is my daughter puking and needs me, I'm also at work.
Tom: Alright maybe some other time
Tom: Hope she feels better.
Tom: You still like to go to the football game saturday
Me: I don't think so. I'm thinking dating my neighbor isn't a good idea. Thank you for asking though.
Me: I'm sorry, but I was kind of freaked out about the hand to my chest (wraith) discussion.
Tom: I did not mean to do that i am sorry i was not trying to feel you
Me: Thank you
Tom: And besides that I was have not asked you on a date yet. When would you like to talk again
Sigh. He doesn't get it, does he? This is prime reason why I should not be unleashed on the dating population. I find the crazy and it sticks to me in a soggy, gooey mass.