Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Terrifying Tails From the EDJ

This weeks tail (HA HA) comes from my evil day job (EDJ). For reasons of my personal safety it must remain nameless. No I'm not a spy & I don't get to carry a gun. Though there are many times when I wish I had one. Including attacking wild turkeys, feral pigs & a mean tempered rooster.
(The actual events take place 10/10 in a place outside of Texas in a crappy motel driving a crappy rental car)
Life with EDJ is never dull, no more so than today. Picture this :) Not so chirpy me getting up at the butt crack of dawn to find my lovely hotel coffee pot doesn't work. Picking myself up off the floor I grab my handy dandy GPS, purse & EDJ crap bag and hit the road. Halfway to my destination my not so handy dandy GPS dies. It was sudden and no amount of medical effort ie: bashing, beating, throwing or cursing the thing would bring it back. I'm stuck on the 290 in the middle of rush hour, no clue where I'm going, no caffeine, no smoking and no sanity.  I get off someplace that seems familiar. Oh so wrong again. 

I ended up in a neighborhood crack whores are afraid to walk. Needless to say my semi-lilly white skin stood out like a yodeler at a rap concert. I smashed down on the gas and my little Kia rental putted away from there as fast it could...about 20MPH. Sometime later, I lost track of time and reality at this point, I spy the gates of heaven and they look exactly like Target. 
Oh there is life left in me as I stumble into the brightly lit store and beg for coffee. The girl behind the counter must have sensed my plight because she upgraded my cup with nary a word. I drank the whole thing down standing there, like a drunk off a three day sobriety run or my friend Bev after a long week :)
Knowing I have a chance to make it now that the god of caffeine is once more flowing through my veins, I shell out for another GPS, pull up my big big girl panties and hit the road once more. I won't bore anyone with the details of smells and scents for the first few stops. Even I don't want to remember them and I was there!
So by this time it's around noon or so and I'm feeling pretty good, almost cocky. Certain my day is only going to get better and I'm right until I cross paths with the white Koujo from hell. It attacks from out of nowhere. 

Bam, one minute I'm innocently walking through a fence and the next I'm wondering if a dog just gave me a Brazilian wax via teeth. The owner is screaming (at the dog or me, not sure), I'm running around in circles with said dog attached to said body, the husband is trying to calm both of us down and my EDJ bag-oh-crap nails Benji on head...crack, whap with the full size mag lite. The score is even: Allie-1, Kujo-1, but before we have a chance to rematch said owner jumps in to protect her baby, the dog not me. It was rigged I tell you! I had that dog in my sites. One good kick and they'd be driving across state lines to find that mutant canine.
The day moved on. I mainlined coffee and Diet Coke w/ vanilla, forgot to get my latest trophy looked at until I got back to the hotel around 8pm. When I finally looked in the hotel mirror I about spit pea soup. That sadistic frog in a dog's coat got way to personal without shelling out for dinner first.
So the lesson for the day, girls, is to always be aware of your surroundings and practice punting small dogs at every opportunity.

(No actual dogs were injured in the living or remembering of this story. However it's not for the lack of me trying. Seriously I love dogs. Have one myself what I dislike are owners who can't/won't train their pets!)


Marie Rose Dufour said...

What a tail! LOL! And I thought I had it tough in my EDJ. Great post.

Tess MacKall said...

You need some pepper spray. I feel for ya, girlie. Might want to carry a coffee pot with ya next time. lol

Harlie Reader said...

Why o why do you crack me up so much! Too funny. I love dogs too but sometimes owners need to be put on a leash, too for not training them. My EDJ is very boring. I sit an answer the phone, do purchasing and other basic secretarial duties. If I get really bored, I'll go walk around the plant and talked to the guys in the press room or the die cutters. Yes, an exciting job I have. LOL!

I agree with Tess, pepper spray and a small 4 cup coffee pot would be good for you to have when you travel.

Lynne Roberts said...

Oh Wow! I feel you on the coffee. I'm not human without it! Definately pepper spray!

Jen B. said...

Oh, oh, I am laughing too hard to type....Sadistic frog in a dog suit!!!! Don't you wish you had recorded it for America's Funniest Home Videos?

Allie Standifer said...

Of course I don't want it recorded. All you'd see is me jumping from foot to foot trying to remove the crotch biter. While the owner wails about her 'baby'. Nope don't need to see my butt jiggling on tv :)

Calisa Rhose said...

Oh but I've had days like that. Glad nobody was hurt!

Anonymous said...

You are too funny, woman!! Whatever your EDJ is, I can only thank my lucky stars I won't encounter crotch latching dogs with mine! :0).

I don't always have the time to post, but everyday I come here to read whatever fantastical story is posted. Thank you for always making me laugh!! :0D


Shayla Kersten said...

Princess, you seriously crack me up! I still think you need to write a book about your EDJ adventures. You could change the names to protect the guilty! LOL

Lizzie Walker said...

LMFAO!!!! Well, I think I just about peed my pants from laughing. People at work already think I am crazy.

I am destined for the looney bin laughing at your post.

Thanks mucho, now I have to go change my big panties.

Regina Carlysle said...

HAHHAHHAHA. Knowing you I can easily visualize the entire scenario. What a damn day!

Allie Standifer said...

Thanks, ladies. Happy to know I caused a few smiles :) I just wish I were making some of this up. My life is a cartoon waiting to happen.