Thursday, September 15, 2011

Conversations with Neighbor "Tom"

I have been talking about my dating issues for a while, but people rarely believe the bizarro that I get. In the effort to give some iota of proof, I'm going to post ACTUAL texts from my next door neighbor who is pretty much creeping me out.

Keep in mind these are after he'd told me that he really was tired of the dating scene and just wanted a friend who'd jump on his lap during television shows for surprise sex, or give him a blow job randomly. This was also the conversation where he said he'd always wanted to date the girl next door (that would be either me or the 82 yo neighbor on the other side) so that he could stop over and have sex in the middle of the day. Then he informed me that he'd once seen a woman "squirt" during sex, and that he really wanted to see that again because it was such a huge turn on. He blinked at me and I think I said, "uh huh". I do remember walking quickly away.

We'll call him Tom, for the sake of this blog...

Tom: It is funny because we can talk out side because we are right next door.

(he's observant.)

Me: LOL, I know, but I promised my girls that tonight was theirs.

Tom: Yes, I understand.

Me: Thanks

Tom: I sent a request

(facebook friend request)

Tom: You like football because if you do I was going to see if you would like to go to a college game the games are on saturday

(all punctuation is his btws)

Me: I usually do, but I have a date Saturday. Thank you for asking though.

Me: Ah, my misread. You weren't asking about THIS Saturday, just asking about Saturday in general. Sorry.

Tom: So I did not now you were dating

Me: Well, yeah. I'm single so dating is definitely on the agenda.

Tom: Yes, I'm looking to

Tom: I'm single to

(notice, I didn't answer? He didn't.)

Tom: How is your book coming

Tom: K

Tom: Would you like to come out and chat

Me: Sure.

(Hey. I was feeling bad for the guy, and this is where he started talking about sex and squirting and doing the "girl next door".)

*next morning*

Tom: Good morning

Me: Morning.

(At this point, I have literally just poured myself a cup of coffee and started walking to my laptop to begin work.)

Tom: Oh you drink coffee.

(I stopped cold, remembering that his kitchen window is across from mine. He's watching me now? Maybe I need to give him the benefit of the doubt? Coincidence??)

Me: Yes. Why?

Tom: If you like to drink coffee and talk unless you are busy

Me: I would, but I'm working right now... And in pjs LOL

(after which typing, I could have head-smacked myself. It was an excuse to not be seen, not an invitation, but then, this is neighbor Tom.)

Tom: Ok im in pj to

(Yep, he went there.)

Me: Yeah but your pjs don't require undergarments.

Tom: Sweet i can see those :)

Me: "those"?? Those are things that get tucked away.


Tom: Would you like to come out there is something on the tree I would like to ask you about.

Me: I have to leave the house. Gimme half an hour?

(I get over there thinking my new neighbor has border issues or there's an animal in my tree. No. There isn't. He wants to fucking show me a bird feeder. This is why I stopped working to go over? This?? Fine. So I smile and chat. He talks about Stargate Atlantis which I actually happen to like, then he plants a hand on my chest between my breasts in imitation of the life-force sucking "Wraith" creatures on the show that eat with their palms.

Except, this is real life, he barely knows me, and he's just planted his hands on the inner swell of BOTH MY BOOBS. Hello!?!? I'm stunned, too stunned to react fast enough and by the time I do, his hand is gone. Suffice it to say, I left quickly. I ignored him for two days until I could wrap my head around it and decide to tell him off.)

*two days later*

Tom: Hey would you like to have some chili with me

Me: Sorry, I can't. My daughter is home sick and barfing. The other one isn't doing so well either, oh yeah and I sprained my ankle.

Tom: Ah i can rub it for you

Me: Ah, no.

Tom: Would you like me to bring a movie over

Me: No thanks. Not only is my daughter puking and needs me, I'm also at work.

Tom: Alright maybe some other time

Tom: Hope she feels better.

Tom: You still like to go to the football game saturday

Me: I don't think so. I'm thinking dating my neighbor isn't a good idea. Thank you for asking though.

Tom: Ok.

Tom: :(

Me: I'm sorry, but I was kind of freaked out about the hand to my chest (wraith) discussion.

Tom: I did not mean to do that i am sorry i was not trying to feel you

Me: Thank you

Tom: And besides that I was have not asked you on a date yet. When would you like to talk again

Sigh. He doesn't get it, does he? This is prime reason why I should not be unleashed on the dating population. I find the crazy and it sticks to me in a soggy, gooey mass.


Regina Carlysle said...

Snorting coffee first thing in the morning is NEVER good. Only YOU Mia. Only YOU! Talk about NOT taking a hint and OMG...he's looking into your windows!

Katie O'Connor said...

The man is insane! I think that maybe you should cover your windows with tinfoil to keep the creep out.

anny cook said...

The coffee bit reminded me of a scene in Linda Howard's Mr. Perfect...where the guy next door is...drinking...while stark naked. Heh.

I think you have to totally ignore his texts, hon. I don't quite get the attraction of texting, anyway.

And I let my answering machine catch my phone bad, I guess.

Mia Watts said...

@Reggie, Right?! WTF is with that? He came over last night to give me a candle warmer and then walked away. Soooo confused. LOL. Plus, YES, windows. In fact, I'm pretty sure he was looking in my bedroom window two nights ago. O_o

Mia Watts said...

@Katie, you know that would only make him suspect I was contacting aliens right? Then he'd think he had to play Wraith again in order to protect me or something like that.

Mia Watts said...

@Anny, The man won't quit. He comes over when I don't answer. I've been as gentle as I can. The other thing is that he's so... innocent looking when he asks these questions in person, that I feel like a big meanie being like, "NO! I don't care if your car brakes don't work, and you have to walk an hour and a half to the nearest bus stop, I'm not taking you!!" Except, I'm not that mean. And apparently he knows it.

Simone Anderson said...

Creepy and clueless. Hopefully, he finds a clue real soon.

There has got to be another pond to dip into dating wise.

Mia Watts said...

@Simone, I dunno. Last night he was talking about knocking on the houses in my neighborhood to ask for milk (which he admitted he doesn't need) and see which homes have single women in them. Apparently, it's not my fantastic sex appeal, it's the fact that I possess the desired body part that takes care of business.

Soooo flattering...

Desiree Holt said...

Holy crap! How high can you build a fence between you? What does this guy look like? And what does he do for a living that he's ALWAYS HOME??? Kelly, you should put this in a book!

Cindy Spencer Pape said...

Good grief. Yeah, big surprise this guy's single.

Mia Watts said...

@Desiree, he's a 33 year old nursing student who got laid off from his job. Yes, he's attractive, but that doesn't mean squat. I wish I could build a fence but the neighborhood won't allow it for sure.

For now, he's way too curious, but possibly harmless.

Mia Watts said...

@Cindy, What you said! :)

J.C. Hanks said...

ROFL! I had a guy ask me once if 4" was enough...seeing as how I was trapped in his car at the moment, I said, "depends on how you use it". Escaped as soon as I could and never talked to him again.

I feel for you though, I'd be very concerned myself, but then I've been trained in warning signs and my bells are going off like crazy!

Mia Watts said...

@JC, and I'm a sucker for someone who needs help. Which is terrible because all the freaks who approach me seem to know it. But I can't be mean! I feel horrible and cruel, so I wind up being nice and they act like it's permission to stay weird.

Jen B. said...

Good lord! The whole time I was reading I was thinking glad it's her and not me. What a whack job. Maybe you should go temporarily gay. Or, *gasp* start talking about chick lit and chick flicks that you recently enjoyed. Or, you no longer like sci-fi shows. Although, he might not get it or even get turned on by it. Your best bet is to keep the curtains closed and interact as little as possible. Oh, and tell him the 82 year old next door has been surreptitiously giving him the eye!

Molly Daniels said...

Have a weekend with Brynn and Bron over sometime when the girls are gone, then tell him you sometimes bat for the other team...would that work? LOL:)

Molly Daniels said...

Hahahah! Jen B and I had the same thought and posted at the same time! How good is THAT?

Snort....WV the first time was 'cofeeph' (creep) and this one's 'confes':)

Mia Watts said...

@Jen, OMG, LOL!! I met that 82 yo and she's actually hot. I did tell him the older woman across the street is very fit, and then I wiggled my brows. I also told him I'd go with him to knock on doors and find that willing person.

BTWs, Your brother is pretty cool. Good call, Jen. Good call.

Mia Watts said...

@Molly, Yeah, he actually asked me if I'd ever consider a three way with another woman. I said, um, no not at this time. I have no interest in getting busy with women.

Sigh. Apparently I divulge way too much info to new neighbors.

Bronwyn Green said...

:( One word. Crazypants.

He worries me.

Harlie Williams said...

Okay...creepy...ick...creepy again...and yes, no surprise that he's single. UGH! I'm so sorry Mia. There is a guy out there for you. Don't give up.

***shutters*** still ICK!

Harlie Williams said...

I agree to a fence bringing built.

Mia Watts said...

@Bronwyn, Yeah... I still blame you. I didn't meet people like this before you entered my life.

Mia Watts said...

@Harlie, I won't give up. I'm just settling in for the long haul with the dating stuff. Hopefully it gets better soon. LOL.

Tessie Bradford said...

Definitely close all relevant curtains!! And maybe be extremely busy until he sets his sights, or hand, on another neighbor??

Mia Watts said...

@Tessie, definitely a good plan. A very good plan! And maybe I just need to find a playbunny for him too for added incentive.