Thursday, September 22, 2011

A Window Into My Animal Magnitism

You all have followed me along my path of dating hell. Thank you for that. If I dropped any pieces, just throw them in a basket and I'll pick up some superglue next time I go to the store. By now you also know that I have a propensity to collect stalkers. No, I'm not kidding. However, you'd be proud of me.

Crazy Neighbor Tom isn't bothering me anymore. Not since I texted him to tell him that I didn't accept calls, texts, or visits between seven and seven, and if he wanted to talk/get a ride/needed a cup of sugar, he'd have to let me know at least 12 hours ahead of time so that I could work it into my busy busy busy busy work schedule (I may have made my actual busy schedule sound pathetically more so in that text I sent him.)

He tried to pull a power trip saying that his car (in which the brake line was leaking) didn't work and he had to walk an hour and a half just to get to the nearest bus stop. I had offered him a ride (OMG, I can HEAR you shaking your heads at me. LOL) as long as he told me in that 12 hrs ahead. Hey, look, I'm not mean and I really would feel terrible if someone had to walk that far. But after that text, and no word from him, I put it out of my mind.

Then he texted me to tell me he was at the bus stop and would I please come pick him up. Folks, it was icy rainy outside and it made me wince, but I ignored the text. Then he texted that if I didn't want to, he'd understand. Again, I winced and ignored. He called and I looked at the phone and thought about picking up but didn't. After seven that night I did the, OMG I just got your text... I'm so sorry but remember how busy busy busy I am? Yeah, still busy.

He hasn't bothered me since. Not even a whisper. I'm thinking the cold walk home in the rain was a good lesson for Neighbor Tom.

In the interim, because you know I can't go too long without attracting a crazy, I got an email from a guy I know. It was a fantasy email about what he wanted to do to me. In an airplane. Because he gets turned on by airplanes (Right? Yeah.). And because he works for an airline (and here's where I pause to wonder if he's always packing a woodie, and does a penile sprain constitute as a work related injury with all the "lifts" it must do in any given day), he gets free tickets so the fact that he's out of State, doesn't mean he can't "drop by" and visit. Oh yeah, and because his father and grandfather were CIA, he found my phone number and address, and hacked my facebook account "because he could" even though most of those things are unlisted. O_o

Anyway, when I first met this guy, he told me he was single. We'd been chatting as friends and I didn't think anything of it. So he came to see me and we got a little frisky. The NEXT DAY I found out that he not only had a wife and four kids, he had a fiance! AND he wanted me to be his girlfriend. WTF, right?

So, because this was way too... freaky deaky not to, I'm sharing the email. Why? Because I'm pissed. He won't leave me alone and I'm done. HEY AIRLINE DUDE if you found this blog, enjoy. Plus, I deleted that email address, unfriended you AGAIN, and blocked your ass on my phone.

To the blog readers, I apologize in advance for ruining Mangoes for you for the rest of your life.

Subject: Fantasy Flight

We've both traveled a lot and somehow airplanes have a special erotic place
in our lives - especially for me.


We're on an overnight flight from Detroit to Honolulu. It's a trip to
celebrate your accomplishment of being selected to the best seller list.

We are in first class and it's several hours into the journey. The cabin is
dark and only a few passenger lights for reading break the darkness. During
dinner we both had a couple glasses of wine - and had a tough time not
ravaging each other. Now with the darkness the tension and lust becomes
unbearable. Our plan is discussed and we agree to enjoy the passion

I whisper in your ear - Mia- go to the bathroom and remove your bra and
panties because I need to feel your firmness and wetness. You come back a
few minutes later and we begin to snuggle in two airline seats - I tell you
how incredibly lucky I am that you came into my life. We kiss softly and
probe each other while silently groping through our clothes to softly tease
each other.

I reach for you carry-on bag and quietly remove your 'friend' "Mango" - a
nine inch dildo that vibrates a million times a minute. You softly moan and
bite my ear lobe in approval.

We continue to softly kiss and my hands find their way under your blouse to
your waiting nipples. I slowly circle your breasts and gently massage your
nipples. My warm breath hovers over your neck and I let my lips and tongue
graze the skin below your ears.

You move your hand along my pant leg from the inside of my knee toward my
waist. A soft touch across my cock gets me aroused but then your fingers
cross to my inner thigh and your sharp nails dig in to remind me that you
are in charge.

"Mango" searches along the inside of your thigh as I continue to softly
pinch your nipple and kiss your neck. You moan and part your legs as "Mango"
searches along the inside of your thigh. Your back arches and you push your
legs closer to the edge of the seat as "Mango" first reaches the soft and
moist lips of your shaved pussy.

Your nails break the skin of my arm as "Mango" eases inside you and I turn
on the silent motor, very slowly I inch all of "Mango" inside you but it's
only a tease and the shaft withdraws quickly.

You whisper in my ear that if I continue to tease you - maybe "Mango" will
find a new home.

"Mango's" speed is set as wharp and this time he remains inside your love
cave while I love my fingers from your breast to your clit. Your first gush
of orgasm happens and the wetness feels incredibly sexy. I move my fingers
through your love juice and slowly circle your clit until you softly moan
and gush again.

That's my fantsy Mia

Where do I find these people and what the hell do I have written on my forehead in invisible ink??? Also, "Love Cave" and "Love Juice"?? Uck.


Amber Skyze said...

You sure he doesn't secretly want to be a writer too? :) You do seem to find your share of nut jobs. Hopefully he's gone for good.

Mia Watts said...

@Amber, I have no intention of ever letting him con me into a conversation again. I think the problem is that I'm too nice to whackos. Bronwyn and someone else recently told me that I need to put my bitch on more often. LOL

Simone Anderson said...

OMG! Yeah, you definitely need to put your bitch on more often.

Harlie Reader said...

I'm really at a loss right now. I'm speechless, which is rare for me.

Thank God you did get rid of Tom.

Yes, being a bitch isn't all bad.

Mia Watts said...

@Simone, LOL. I need a good role model. Are you offering to show me how it's done?

Mia Watts said...

@Harlie, stunning right? Whew. Glad it's not just me who thinks it's ridiculous!

Molly Daniels said...

OMFG....better train your cats to 'Kill' or 'Maim'....

anny cook said...

Sorry. I couldn't bear to read that mess so I skipped to the end. Isn't there a police department you can turn this joker over to?

Mia Watts said...

@Molly, LOL! Right?!

Mia Watts said...

@Anny, Great question, but I'm not sure. It's a long distance thing. If I haven't taken care of it, then I suppose I'll be looking at that as an option.

June M. said...

I'm thinking by this point, I would just stick with B.O.B. and forget the nut jobs out there.

Mia Watts said...

@June, THIS is why I need a wing-woman. Seriously. I suck at meeting men. LOL

Tessie Bradford said...

That guy ruined the Mile High Club fansay AND any possible enjoyment of a nice tropical fruit!!

I completely agree that in these wacky, weird scenerios, you need to call up your inner bitch and let her kick them to the curb!!

Eileen said...

OH.MY.GOD. It scares me that the dating pool sounds like this. I'm scared for you.

Jen B. said...

First of all, if he flies a lot he should know that "Mango" can't be in your carryon. And I have never seen "Mango" for sale in a an airport shop. What the hell airport does he frequent? Second, good for you that you can produce so much "love juice"! I think every woman would love to have such a juicy "love cave". Of course, I will never be able to fly again without checking the seat to make sure there are no "love juice" stains. OMG! Finally, his story pacing was poor. His character development was weak. And he totally abused the over used sex on a plane trope. I mean, it's so 2 days ago. I think this story would have been better as sex on a bus. Or better yet, copping a feel at the bus station!
Just sayin'! Be strong. Things can only go up from here!

Mia Watts said...

@Tessie, I've been laughing a little, tongue in cheek about this whole situation because I find it completely surreal. That's changed as of last night. I had to call the police when someone scared my children while I was down the street at a neighborhood gathering.

Mia Watts said...

@Jen B. LOLOLOLOL!!!! Oh wow! Thank you for that. A critique on a fantasy email is just priceless. :)

Mia Watts said...

@Eilene, fortunately for most, I think it's just me. I get caught up in assuming the best in people and building friendships. When stuff like this happens, I mentally fall back on "but he's a friend. He wouldn't have meant anything by it."

Let's just say I had a wake up call these last two days. I'm putting my foot down and boy howdy, they'd better back the f*ck off.