Monday, January 10, 2011

Things A Woman Should Just Know

Running late again today. We have a winter storm going on and I've been preparing for the power to go out. Been cooking like crazy and getting batteries in flashlights, candles all in place, batteries in the radio, etc.

Anyway, I'm late with a good reason. Survival! lol So if you comment and I don't comment back to you--give it a day or two as I might not have power--at least it's looking that way.

I wanted to do something fun today. I hope you'll all join in and help complete this list. The subject matter leans toward females, of course, but the guys are welcome to jump in with their own observations too.

Here we go...

Things A Woman Should Just Know

1. If you answer the phone and someone from the Jerry Springer Show is on the other end, hang up and go pack your shit. Your relationship is over.

2. If you're going to date someone who is famous—on TV, sports hero, movie star, politician, etc.—be prepared for all scenarios.

a. Plausible deniability of your existence on his part: Carry a kit with you so you can collect sperm samples and make sure you keep the dates straight and the sperm in the fridge.

b. Use your camera phone to take pics of where you are when you’re with him without his knowledge. Get naked pics of him if at all possible. Store said pics on a flash drive

you keep hidden.

c. Never leave the house looking like a damn freak cause sooner or later a camera is going to be in your face and you don’t want to be seen looking like a HAG.

3. If your husband leaves the house and isn’t going to work and comes back home and immediately jumps in the shower? Follow him next time he leaves. Take the camera. Just sayin'.

4. You husband likes to be on the computer in the dark and every time you walk into the room the screen flashes. Check your credit cards. He ain’t buying you roses. Just sayin'.

5. Expect at least one third of your offspring to disappoint you. Chances are you've already had this happen.

6. Never tell a teenager maybe to get them off your back when you really mean no.

7. Don't expect that wonderful new look the hairdresser just gave you to be something you can duplicate.

8. If your husband or boyfriend says "love ya" instead of "I love you", start looking for fresh meat.

9. If your husband gains a new male friend whom he texts way too often, you can bet your ass that man is a woman in disguise. OR he's about to come out of the closet.

10. If you play the "Which person would you run away with if you had the chance?" game, and you mean a celebrity and your spouse says the name of someone you know, pack his shit!

11. Grow your nails long, just in case your other half murmurs some other chick's name in bed. Nails are useful down there. Super glue too.

Adding this little jewel from a comment made by Melissa Bradley. Stop by her blog and check her out.

12. If you're his secret affair, you weren't the first, you won't be the last and no, he's not leaving her for you--no matter how many babies you pop out.

And Brindle Chase suggests we can flip these items and make them true from the male POV. Hmmm...well, maybe a couple. Not all surely. Especially that one Melissa brought up. lol And the hair do thing? Nahhh. But maybe one or two, Brindle.

Okay, that's it for my creative juices today. Got to get a load of laundry out of the dryer and put in another one. Trying to get it all done before the power takes a hike. So post your best advice. Let's us have it. Many thanks to Natalie Dae for her widely known humor and help with this post. And thanks to the commenters.


Elizabeth Black said...

Boy, you're right about the Springer comment. We watch Springer because we can't resist train wrecks, and we've always wondered why people look so surprised when their S. O. asks them to appear on the show because "I have a secret to tell you". Your first clue is that IT'S THE FREAKING JERRY SPRINGER SHOW! Nothing good will come of it! At the very least he's cheating on you - but it's with a midget dominatrix who loves to swim in a plastic pool of mashed potatoes and gravy before a hot romp in the sack. Your humiliation is guaranteed.

Are those people for real or is it all for show?

C. Zampa said...

I don't have a husband or a boyfriend, so I don't qualify for most of the tips. LOL!

The hair dresser one, though? Oh, yes, oh, yes. That's the song of the ages. Sigh.

Tess MacKall said...

Springer show kills me, Lizzie. I mean, you're right, it's an irresistible train wreck at times. Now mind you I don't purposely sit and wait for it to come on. lol But it seems that if one of the girls are home, then Springer is on. OR The Bad Girls Club or something else like that kind of mess.

I guess they pay those people a whole lot of money to suffer the humiliation of it all.

Tess MacKall said...

Me neither, CZ. Just puttin' it out there. lol And the hair thing? Just experienced that this past week. But I'm practicing with my new "do" and not doing a half bad job of it. lol

anny cook said...

Geez, you covered all the points I can think of... but they were pretty funny. If I think of something I'll be back!

Unknown said...

This had me rolling. There are many women out there who should heed this list. You should also add if you're his secret affair, you weren't the first, you won't be the last and no, he's not leaving her for you.

Unknown said...

An addendum to my comment:

No matter how many babies you pop out.

Brindle Chase said...

Hmmm, do these rules apply in reverse? If my wife were doing any of these things, should I be concerned? *hehehe*

Anonymous said...

Long fingernails and superglue! I have to remember that one (or two).

That's a great list.


Madison Scott said...

The hair dresser one for sure!

Natalie Dae said...


And LOLNESS @ Melissa!


Gregory Allen said...

You do have to wonder about those Springer people. Must be delusions of grandeur combined with an insane desire to be on TV. Rick Springfield was once on a talk show and was surprised to discover it was a show about old '80s has beens. He thought he was experiencing a resurgence. Poor guy. I used to love Rick Springfield!

Tess MacKall said...

I'm baaaack. LOL Power did indeed go out and on and out and on. Whenever it came on we rushed around to do things that we could only do with the power on and then was off again.

My internal clock is a bit off too, so I slept late this morning, oblivious to the fact that the power was on again. And will probably stay on this time too. Surely all those weak branches have snapped and broken from the weight of snow and ice now and all is on the way to normalcy. Sort of. lol

I'll comment to each of you.

Tess MacKall said...

Hiya Anny. I loved doing these little tidbits. So sorry I didn't get to come back and chat. Do let me know if you think of any. I'll add them to the list.

Tess MacKall said...

Great one, Melissa. I added it to the blog post. It's now no. 12 with full credit given to you, sweetie. lol And you are soo right. You weren't the first and won't be the last. And on those rare occasions he DOES leave her? Well, heck, give it a year, he'll be doing it to you.

I know of one couple in which the guy left his wife for the other woman. Two years later he was having an affair with his ex wife. The present ex was livid. And the former ex got her revenge on them both. She wouldn't have him when he left the current for her.

I would loved to have seen the look on his face. Standing at her door, suitcase in hand, big grin on his face and she laughed at him and closed the door in his face. WOW...

Tess MacKall said...

Now Brindle, I don't want you to feel left out. So if you can think of any that apply to women in so far as men are concerned, just post them and I'll give you guys equal time. Sure will. I don't think what I've got up there so far though, really does apply to the guys. Or at least not the majority of times. But come back and leave me a zinger. I'd love to hear it. lol

Tess MacKall said...

Hiya Casey. Yeah, there are superglue stories for sure. When a man wakes up and he goes to the bathroom to discover his equipment facing upward so he can piss in his face, guess he wouldn't be very happy, now would he? LOL

Tess MacKall said...

Just had my hair cut and styled, Madison. The next day it was a mess. Tried to style it again---no go. Makes me mad. I did everything she did, and no help. sighhhh

Tess MacKall said...

Thanks for all your help, Nat. Cute ones for sure. Lots of fun.

Tess MacKall said...


You're right about those people I guess. Because for the life of me I can't see any reason to be on that show other than because I need to be punished somehow. And I don't have to do that in front of millions of people for sure. Weird.