Monday, March 28, 2011

Sizing Up Sexy

Before I begin today’s post, Natalie Dae and I want to thank everyone who voted for Black Cougar Curse in Whipped Cream’s Book of the Week Contest. Yayyyy!!!!! It won!!!! And looks like Twelve Days of Love will be having its own little “vote” soon, too. But about that another time. So thanks to everyone who voted! And if you haven't read Black Cougar Curse? Click HERE to find out more about it.
My kid wanted Bojangles chicken. So I was sitting in the drive-thru line and patiently waiting, hitting the seek button on the radio to find something decent to listen to, when this sexy silver fox walks out of the restaurant. I did a double take. Whoaaaaa… Now most of ya’ll know that I like men with seasoning—kind of like my fried chicken! But in this case, the spices happen to be those seasonings that come with a little age and life experiences. I like a man with a bit of character in his face and salt ‘n’ pepper hair or hair with more salt than pepper. Lol I’ve always liked older men. Even when I was in my twenties.

Anyway, I’m watching this dude. Tall—at least six-two or three. Broad shoulders. Tanned. Nice butt! Handsome face—great Alpha strut! My gaze immediately rolled to his left hand. Is he married? No ring. Ohhhh…all right! Yeah yeah yeah. Like I was gonna jump out of the car, run over to him and introduce myself. So NOT. I never do. Guess I’m just curious. And I can always dream, can't I? But I’m way too shy to do something like that! Okay, okay, stop laughing. I am TOO shy. Stop holding your stomach, Regina! Stop it. I tell ya I am TOO shy. Forget it. Not listening to this snickering anymore.(LOL)

So I’m watching him walk into the parking lot and I’m holding my breath now just waiting to see which car is his. You can tell a lot about a man from the car he drives. You know it’s really just an extension of their… Well, there was a nice black Cadillac parked in the direction he was moving, and I’m nodding my head. Smooth, sleek, lots of quiet power—staying power. Ohhhhhh yeah. And then he immediately jumps into a yellow and black striped MINI COOPER! My face scrunched up into what I know was a look of sheer horror. I gulped, almost swallowing my tongue. That tall drink of whiskey had folded up those long legs of his and had gotten into a damn MINI COOPER! I don’t give a damn if Matt Damon DID drive the hell out of one in that movie. It’s just NOT the car for MY kind of man.

A picture of him in bed…uh…errrr…performing…came to mind. He was all over the place. And he was quick about it. Darting here, darting there, spinning around. He reminded me of a honey bee—only I didn’t want to give him the honey. And all the while I’m hearing: “I want a man with sloooooow hand. I want a lover with an eeeezy touch. I want someone who will spend some time. Not come and go in a heated rush…” (Love that song. Love The Pointer Sisters.)

Another one had bitten the dust. I’d have settled for a pickup truck with mud on the tires before that little, itty bitty box! I don’t need any bees buzzin’ ‘round ME!

Okay, I know at least one of you drives one of these cars. Or at least two of you loves these cars and wants one—but really? A man that tall? A man that built? Sorry, the car IS cute, but I can’t see the great Alpha male in that car. So my apologies if you are offended and happy driving!

A few days before this particular incident, I was sitting in one of the shopping center parking lots—not listening to music this time. I was thinking about a plot line. But my kid was in Game Stop and I knew it was going to be a while, so it was safe to think and jot down a few notes. A Dually pulls up in the space across from me. Big ol’ black one. Nice truck. And no, I’m not really into trucks, but I see them as Alpha material for sure—dependent upon which kind, of course, how well-kept it is, etc. This one was nice.

There was a gun rack in the back glass. Expected. A little deer symbol in the left corner of the glass. Expected. The door swings open and this big ol’ boot shows itself along with a long, camo pants encased leg. That boot planted itself on the pavement. I kept waiting on the other leg to join it. But it didn’t. I thought: Hmmm…he’s stretched wide right now. Yeah, I thought that. He had to be tall in order to do this. And he was. He finally brought that other leg out and stood. Ohhhh YUMMY! Definitely military. Biceps, triceps, pecs—all molded inside one of those tightly stretched Army t-shirts. I wanted to reach out and touch the Iron Man. And he HAD to be made of iron. Not a lot of hair, but definitely salt ‘n’ pepper. NO wedding ring. I shook my head. Why am I sooooo shy? REGINA!!!! I’m gonna have to gag you, woman!

And then?

He blew his nose. Through his fingers. Onto the pavement. Wiped his hand on those camo pants and started walking toward the sidewalk. I collapsed onto the steering wheel and the horn blared. I sat up just in time to see him turn around and look. I sank in the seat, making myself as small as possible. “PLEASE, dear Lord,” I prayed. “Don’t let this be the one who approaches ME!”

Thankfully, he moved on.

About a month ago, my oldest showed me a pic of a guy on Facebook that she’d met and was thinking about “hanging out” with. They don’t date these days, they hang out. Anyway, he had done one of those bathroom pics of himself without his shirt. NICE eight-pack. Very muscular. She was grinning from ear to ear. I nodded and said, “Yep, he’s cute. What does he do for a living. Does he go to school? What does he drive?” All of which got me a frown and a “none of your business” response.

Sooo…she’s been seeing this dude. Friday afternoon, he drives up and she runs out the door—followed by MOI! Yep, it was time for me to meet him. Ohhhh, she said some things under her breath and out of the side of her mouth to me. LMAO…no way was he getting away from me. And he saw me coming. Hopped out of his big ol’ green pick up (nice truck) and he was short. At least three to four inches shorter than her. Okay, nothing wrong with men under six feet tall. Okay. So nobody get all worked up over this. But I have this thing. I want the man to be taller than the woman. I know, I know. It’s outdated, silly, just so wrong. But hey—that’s me.

But even bigger than the problem I was having with him being shorter than her was his lack of MEAT. The boy was a stick. He’d blow away in a March wind for sure. There was nothing there to hold on to. Well, maybe I can fatten him up—stretch him out. Probably no need, though. She goes through relationships like most people eat M & Ms—by the handful. The one I want for her—and she doesn’t want—has a killer body, good lookin’ as sin, great job, great future ahead of him—has a kick ass tattoo on his back. Good personality. And adores her. And? She wants NOTHING to do with him. sighhhhh

But enough about me and my taste in men. Ya’ll got any funny stories about the Alpha who bit the dust? I’d love to hear them. Leave me comments. We’ll pass those war stories back and forth.

On another note, I’ve decided to start showcasing an author video each week. If you caught my debut blog post over at The Romance Studio, you know how fascinated I am by them. Here’s the link in case you missed that post:
The post features three book trailers that I absolutely love. Check them out!

Today’s video is by Lex Valentine of Winterheart Design. It was created for author, Debbie Gould for her book, November Rain. I’ve always loved the title of that book. And the cover is gorgeous—made by the amazing Emmy Ellis, aka Natalie Dae. Once you see this book trailer, I know you’ll want to buy the book.

Now for the video…


Regina Carlysle said...

Seems this stuff only happens to YOU, Tess! LMAO! The guy blowing snot through his fingers was just TOOOOOO much. Just goes to prove there really is no such thing as perfection!

Savannah Chase said...

Ok snot man ewwwwwwww....I still think you should have approached him...You never know maybe he borrowed the car from someone...You never know, he might have turned out to be a great guy...

Allie Standifer said...

Ughhh, that's nasty, Tess. And something I so didn't need that visual with my morning coffee.
Congrats, on the win!!

Tess MacKall said...

You're right. No one is perfect, Reg. And I've always been accused of being too choosy about my peanut butter. sighhhh And yep, it could only happen to me.

Trust me, though, there are days when I just refuse to pay attention. That way I'm NOT disappointed. lol

Tess MacKall said...

I'm assuming you mean talk to the honey bee man, Sav. lol Yeah, maybe I should have talked to him. Could have been his kid's car and he was taking it to get an oil change. But remember...I'm shy. YES I AM!

Tess MacKall said...

Did you spew your coffee, Allie? LOL Just be grateful you will very probably forget that pic in a few minutes. I have to carry it around for a while. It's BURNED into the grey matter.

Thanks for the congrats, hon! It was a nice little win! Woot!

anny cook said...

The most alpha man I've ever known was my uncle, John. He was six inches shorter than his wife and they had five boys. Very quiet. Verrrrry quiet. But when he said something, EVERYONE listened.

He passed away not to long ago (in his eighties!) and he still had that presence.

BTW, I think a true alpha can drive any damn thing he wants to drive. And MOST of the guys I know with big pick-up trucks drive them because that's the only way they can LOOK like an alpha...

Mary Suzanne said...

The man blowing his nose in his hand could get lost as far as I'm concerned, but the guy in the mini car I'd have found a way to make contact. He may have borrowed the car from someone and you passed up your chance. LOL

Tess MacKall said...

Crap. Had to delete my first comment. Two spelling mistakes and they made the whole thing make no damn sense whatsoever. So here it is again--with proper spelling---lol

Good point, Anny. A guy could be driving a certain car to make people think he's all that and a bag of chips. Most probably do. lol

But I just couldn't go with the Mini Cooper. Sighhhhh Appearances can indeed be everything sometimes.

You basically said it yourself in your interview this morning.

"Live your life like you’re on stage…" of course, that was advice for authors on the Net. But it really makes sense for life in general. We all project a certain image--on the Net or off. And people do respond to what we project.

And that Mini Cooper was just sooo not what I wanted him to be driving. lol

Think I would have liked your uncle. I had an uncle that was like that too. Come to think of it, he was short too.

Tess MacKall said...

Well, there's another vote for a missed opportunity from me. lol Yeah, Mary--he may have borrowed that car. But I was in line for Bojangles chicken! LOL

I really can't approach men. No matter what they drive or how they look. I can't. Never could. But I can look and I can size them up for sure! lol

Debbie Gould said...

LMAO!!! True I can't see a man like you described folding himself up into a tiney little compact car without a least a few choice swear words, but I can honestly say it wouldn't stop me from having some awfully nice dreams, lol.

But, I must agree with one thing. The guy has got to be taller than me. Since I'm 5'3.5", it's usually not a problem, lol.

Thanks for putting the trailer up. Between the awesome cover Em did and the great work by Lex, I think it turned out wonderful.

Debbie Gould said...

Oh, and congrats on the win!

Tess MacKall said...

Yeah, just looked so wrong to me. Just burst my bubble where he was concerned. Cute car, but he needed to be in that Caddy. OR a truck. lol

And I adore that trailer for November Rain. Just love it. It makes me all misty-eyed for sure.

Thanks for the congrats, hon!

Willa Edwards said...

I completely agree. A car is an extension of a guy. I wouldn't be able to take guy seriously that drove a mini cooper either, especially if he was tall. I do have to say though I like skinny guys. If I can bench press him I'm a happy girl.

We all have our own versions of sexy, and everyone has some quality that dials down the sexy quation. Its all about how bad that thing is and how soon you see it. If its the first thing you see about them they'll never be sexy, but if you're already gaga, you can probably over look it.

Tess MacKall said...

You're right, Willa. We all have a different sexy meter and there are things we like and don't like.

I think most of us would bypass the dude with the nose thing, though, lol

And if ya can bench press him? LOL Not me. I'm lucky to bench press a can of soup. And I sooo don't like skinny dudes. Want BEEF!

anny cook said...

*Snicker* @ Willa...benchpress him? Hmmmmm. That's an interesting visual. I must take another look when I'm at the gym.

Lisa Alexander Griffin said...

This post is hilarious! lol. Gotta agree, I wouldn't take a second look at the guy who blew his nose through his fingers. That's just yuck!

But, the guy in the mini cooper, I think you should have talked to him. And I'm like Regina. Really can't visualize you as ever being shy, Tess. ROFL.

A man confident in his own skin without having to drive a nice car or a macho truck is okay by me. There's something to be said about a man who cares enough about our environment to risk being ragged about his driving choice. I find that sexy. haha!

Lisa Alexander Griffin said...

Oh, and congrats on the win!! So proud for you!

Tess MacKall said...

LOL Lisa...well, I guess I just want a man who is comfortable in his own skin AND has an Alpha ride to boot!

Told ya...I'm choosy about my peanut butter. LOL

Thanks for the support on BCC, hon. Means a lot. Hugs.....

Lisa Alexander Griffin said...

You're welcome! lol. I like a man in a truck too, but I wouldn't turn one down who looked like you desribed because of a mini cooper. ROFL. But somehow I knew you wouldn't agree with me. ;)

Laura G. said...

Hahahaha! Great post!
My guess is the 6'+ dude didn't own the mini cooper. When Mr. Laura had to fly out to California on business, he had to get a rental. Ended up with a pt cruiser. Not too bad. But he's 6' as well...and his head hit the roof...until he took the top down. Yep a convertable. And the car was beige with gold bling bumper to bumper, inside and out, everywhere. I think the rims were gold, too! So, not Mr. Laura. LOL So maybe your Mr. Drive Thru Dude had been in a wreck and the mini was a rental. One can hope anyway. But if THAT was all that was wrong with him?? You could've fixed that, woman! LOL Man, he sure sounded hot though. You need to go cruise that drive thru again...see if he shows up. Ask him how he likes the Mini Cooper and does his head hit the ceiling? Hmmm...or maybe he doesn't mind his head hitting things....say, like your bed's headboard?? ;o)

Tess MacKall said...

Wasn't a rental, Laura. The plates were regular personal NC tags. I checked that. Not sure why, but I did. lol

I figure he just likes the car, really. Could belong to someone else and he was driving it, of course. But it was just a turn off.

I like your story about Mr. Laura, though. Poor guy. PT Cruiser would be a turn off to me for sure.

Let's see...Caddy, nice truck, Vette, Beamer, Charger, Challenger, Mustang, Nice sedan...I can handle those---ohhhh and a big ole Harley too. lol

Yeah, power!

Debbie Gould said...

Tess likes those LOL

Tess MacKall said...

Like those muscle men too! LOL

But really? I don't have to have a really really really buffed bod. Just nice looking in his clothes. And we'll keep the lights OFF! LOL

C. Zampa said...

Oh, I so DO NOT want a hot alpha male, always having to watch out for other women who are watching out for him. LOL.
But....I don't want a public snot-shooter either. LOL.
There's GOT to be a happy medium!

'Blow away in a March wind'....and flitting like a bee in bed! Oh, I laughed so hard!

Loved your post!

Tess MacKall said...

Thanks, Carol. I guess it's just hard to find perfection. Is it really so much to ask for? LOL

Yeah, right. Like I'm perfect.

But as we know...

When it comes to the right person, to romance---

Perfection is in the eyes of the one who loves ya!

And I STILL want an Alpha! lol

Lisa Alexander Griffin said...

LOL @ snot shooter!!!

Sarah J. McNeal said...

Congratulations on winning with Black Cougar Curse. I grossed out on the guy blowing his nose and wiping his hands on his pants. Ick!! I wish you every success.

Tess MacKall said...

Me too, Sarah. Ummm...are you wishing me every success with finding the Alpha or with the book? LOL


Anonymous said...

LMAO!! Great stuff Tess. I would have to agree with you on both accounts. Nuttin' less sexy than a tall piece of man meat getting into a so not sexy car! As for the snot man...I almost wet myself. Need I say more. Lol!

As I was reading, I got a little jealous since it's almost non-existent for me to see a yummy alpha man. However, after reading such disappointments, I'm beginning to think I'm lucky!

Contests on the win!

P. Robinson said...

You had me laughing today Tess. A hunk in a mini? I don't think so. Those things aren't big enough for me and I'm short. I can't imagine a tall man riding or driving one. That would have turned me off instantly.

I'm with ya on the short men thing too. My hubby is a full foot taller than me.

Now back to you being shy....SERIOUSLY? I think not!

Fiona McGier said...

I'm sorry but the alpha men I have known in real life were a**holes. They were the kind who figured they had it going so much that they didn't need to learn how to please a woman. Them taking their pants off was supposed to be enough to have you swooning on the floor in paroxyms of big "O"s immediately! As long as they got off, you were supposed to also, and if you didn't, you were a frigid bitch and they'd easily find another. In fact that was the other thing I hated: they would never stop looking at other women, even if you looked gorgeous...there was just something about always keeping their options open. One of them I knew in college told his gf (not me, I was dating his friend), that she was his number one girl. She made the mistake of asking who was his number 2 girl...he told her "anyone I'm with". I like alpha females...alpha males, not so much.

Tess MacKall said...

LOL Elece...I live in a resort area with a lot of retired people. Loads of golfers coming and going all the time. And I'm not far from a big military base. So there is no shortage of men around here. lol

But there does seem to be a shortage of men who appeal to me. It's just that simple. And it's very odd, but if I see one that just takes my breath away, he does something to negate everything I'm thinking. OR he's with a woman.

You know how it is---all the good ones are taken anyway. lol

Tess MacKall said...

I'm short too, Kissa. And to me, there is something about a tall man that just makes me feel safe somehow. Although I've met very few men who would actually defend me if anything happened. I'd more than likely defend HIM! lol

And yeah, seriously, lol, I'm shy.

Tess MacKall said...

I've often thought that my view of an Alpha and the views of others is a bit different, Fiona. There are most certainly men out there just as you describe. I think a lot of them, actually.

I suppose I have an over romanticized vision of the male species in general. Especially of those great big ol' Alphas. But then I write romance. I twist the stories they way I want them to turn out. Stands to reason I'd look for a little of that in my own life I suppose.

But for the most part? It's all a crap shoot where love and romance are concerned anyway. You never know HE wasn't the one until it's too late. sighhhhhh

Lisa Alexander Griffin said...

Yeppers, Fionna. :)

Unknown said...

LMAO, Tess! That snot rocket farmer's blow was so attractive. I had a really good looking guy start smiling at me and when he came over to talk, first line out of his mouth was "mmm...mmm...those big jeans would look great on my bedroom floor tonight." Talk about a let down. I told him thanks, but being a knuckle-dragger he didn't meet my standard intelligence quotient. I left him scratching his head, which was probably a nice change for his ass.

Unknown said...

Congrats on the win!!! I'm so happy for you and Natalie. You two created a spectacular story.:)

Janice Seagraves said...

Ooh, Tess, your going have to stop being so shy around men. And go get yourself a gray fox.